Month: May 2016

Today I cried…

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Last night on Facebook I posted a status that said:

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The realest thing I ever wrote

This is so true to my life for the last year.  I am a full time theatre teacher.  This means that my days do not end when the final bell rings.  It means 2 hour after school rehearsals and then coming home to my other full time job:  mommy.  My mom moved here with me to help relieve financial stress and help with Jaxon.  That has been a blessing. 

Since my mother has been here I have had the opportunity to revisit some dreams and goals.  I have gotten back on stage and performing.  I have started my own production company and I am now writing, directing and producing my own plays.  Part of doing this successfully includes being a social butterfly.  I have lived in Houston for 5 years and in the last two years I have become more sociable than ever.  This has definitely helped me get my dreams and goals off the ground.  Networking and being visable is important. 

So not only am I a full time teacher and mom, I am also an entrepreneur trying to establish myself in the theatre world.  This, I say with all honesty, has led to me now weighing more than I ever have in my life.  I have always been thick.  Always.  But, now I am ‘fat’ and definitely on the road to becoming a diabetic.  I say all of that say that to say this: 

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So, you are probably wondering why I cried today.   Well, I woke up today with a healthy mindset: I will get back healthy and will accomplish that short term goal of getting off of the couch.  I got dressed.  I drank some water, ate a banana and took some pre-workout.  The pre-workout mix keeps me from backing out of working out because if I don’t it sends shocks through my body.  I went to Academy to get me a new armband to put my phone in and I brought some new headphones.  I also got me one of those backpacks with a water pack so I can start back running.  I was ready.  I was focused. 

I pulled up to Snap Fitness (Love this gym!) and before I got out of the car I opened my new goodies.  The headphones were perfect.  I took the armband in with me.  My trainer and best friend, David, had equipped me with a workout plan so I immediately jumped on the elliptical for my warmup.  After doing that, and being winded after 5 minutes, I went to the open area to begin the workout.  But first, I needed to put my phone in my armband and my armband on my arm.  Guess what?  The fucking armband didn’t fit my fucking arm.  I mean, I knew I was fat, but I didn’t know I was that fat. 

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Look at her perfectly toned arms. What was I thinking?

It was at that moment where my workout became insanely difficult.  Not because of what I had to do, but because that was a blow to my confidence that I had built up just to get out of my house and come to the gym.  As I went through the kettle bell swings and pushups, I thought back to when I was in high school and felt unpretty because I was a size 6/8 and all of my friends were a size 0/2/4.

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Yes, I thought this was big. Can I please be this 'big' again?

I thought about having to work harder than most just to be as ‘big’ as I was.  I was an athlete in high school.  That means I worked out for hours daily.  My size 6 top/8 bottom was as small as my 5’4 and a half frame was going. 

I thought back to when I was a freshman at Grambling and I was wanting to dance with the Orchesis but was told that my 137 lb solid body was not skinny enough and that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to make the field.  I ended up quitting because I knew that my body was about as good as it was gonna get.  I knew I was mainly muscle and that skinny wasn’t in my genes…or jeans, for that matter.

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Summer of 2004 right before I left for GSU

It took me back to all of the times the guy I was dating gawked after girls that were smaller than me.  Some of those girls being my friends.  It reminded me of all the times I stared at my girl friends’ bodies with envy as they seemed to stay slim as I constantly gained weight.  Moment of honesty:  I never was/felt like I belonged in my group of friends/sisters.  It had nothing to do with them or their treatment of me.  I have the best sisters ever.  It had everything to do with how I saw myself.  I was always the friend that the guys walked up to and said, “Yo, who is that girl I saw you with earlier?”  I was great matchmaker.  Not a great match.

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My sisters and I in 2009. Aren't they gawjus!
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At my sister's wedding in 2015. Surrounded by beauty!

To those that are close to me and those that don’t me, I am a very confident person.  I can converse with just about anyone.  I have plenty of friends.  I will cut all of my hair off without a second thought about whether ‘they’ will like it.  But, body confidence is something I have always struggled with.  I started to get it back after I had my son.  I began running using the Couch 2 5k app.  I would go to them gym and hop on the elliptical on my lunch break and then run when I got home.  I lost 20+ lbs in about 3 months.  Then in the summer of 2012, I began working out with David and he got me looking great.  I was probably at 167lbs but I felt FIONE!  Lol.  I had lost my gut.  My booty was making a comeback.  These thighs, well, they will never go anywhere but they were toning up.  I felt good.

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The work of David! I was super duper fine and focused!

So, insert the first few paragraphs here and now we are back to the present.  We are back to me being in the gym and putting on this damn armband only to see that it doesn’t fit.  And all of these memories of me hating my body are stuck in throat.  The workout today took strength and perseverance because I wanted to leave.  I didn’t.  Mainly because I don’t know how to not finish something I start.  I went outside the back of the gym and ran my 10 sprints.  They were super slow.  I was super tired and out of shape.  I came back in to finish up with a mile on the elliptical.  I stepped on the scale before I left out.  Bad idea.  It just made me feel worse.

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So disgusted with this.

I literally sat down on a plyometetric box and cried.  And cried.  And cried.  I don’t cry much, unless it is a movie or one of those military surprise homecoming videos, but today I cried.  Afterwards, I went back to Academy to see if I could exchange the armband for another one.  The cashier was like, “Oh…well it is one size fits all.  Would you like a refund?”  His look said to me, “Your fat ass arms won’t fit any of them.  No need to exchange.”  But I went back to see if there was one that would fit.  I guess I needed the extra torture.  Of course none of them did.  So, I went back and asked for a refund.

There is still so much more to say.  Like how society puts so much pressure of girls to be thin.  Like how society creates competition between girls and women in the area of looks instead of intelligence.  Like how society says that to love yourself when you are fat is impossible.  The fact that being ‘fat’ is a flaw and makes a woman less worthy of anything worthwhile. 

There is still so much to say.  But I will stop here because I feel the tears returning and I don’t want to cry again.  So, I will close this by saying that I am proud of myself for finishing my workout today.  I don’t know if I will stay consistent.  I don’t know if I will actually lose 60lbs.  All I know is that in what felt like a lot of losses today, I’ll count this finish as a win. 

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P.S.  Don’t tell me I’m still beautiful.  I do believe I’m beautiful.  I have learned that body size doesn’t determine or change my beauty.  That still doesn’t make this fight with how I see my body any easier. But thanks for the compliment.