Month: December 2013
From the time we are able to form words we are taught to apologize. We are taught that these two simple words, ‘I’m sorry’, will magically erase whatever it was that we had done. Through this we are also taught that forgiveness means that the wrong done to us is forgotten and that everything is okay. The ‘I am not your friend anymore’ then becomes ‘Okay, I’ll be your friend again.’ You and your best friend then sit back down at the table and begin to share crayons while laughing at something that only children will understand.
As we get older we find out that “I’m sorry” is not Oxyclean and that forgiving is not an easy thing. When someone has gotten close enough to us to hurt us, forgiveness seems almost impossible. The reason for this is because we have been ingrained to believe that forgiveness says, ‘Okay we can be best friends again. Let’s share crayons.’
When that person hurts you, and I mean really hurts you, forgiving is the last thing you want to do. You do not want to say, ‘Its okay.’ You do not want to continue to be best friends, boyfriends, husbands or wives. So you hold onto your forgiveness. Why? Because they don’t deserve your forgiveness.
But you do. You deserve to forgive them. When you hold on to that hurt you are not healing. When you walk away from a situation without forgiveness you may as well have just washed your hands without soap. While you may not see anything, you are carrying around this bacteria that will make you sick.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I once heard someone say, “Forgiveness doesn’t make them right. It sets you free.” Do you not deserve to be free? Do you not deserve to have that weight lifted and your heart clear? Forgiveness does not require you to keep harmful bacteria in your life. It requires you to wash your hands with soap so that you can become and remain healthy.
As 2013 comes to an end, take the time to forgive. You deserve to go into the new year with a clean, clear heart and mind. Without it you remain imprisoned… while holding the keys to your own cell. Forgive. Not for them, but for yourself.
Go ahead. Set yourself free.
As a single parent, there is nothing I hate more than someone saying,
“Is his father around? Did you know he was an asshole before you got pregnant?”
As if I am responsible for him being a ‘deadbeat dad.’ Yes, I am partially responsible for him being a dad. He is solely responsible for him being a deadbeat.
Now, let me say that I completely understand why someone would ask that but know this: Our relationship, good or bad, before having our son does not absolve him from being a good father. Nor does that make me responsible for him being a bad father.
I raise my son alone. I have a great support system in my family and my son’s paternal family. I clothe him, feed him, care for him, protect him and love him AS I SHOULD. I am taking responsibility for my actions and choices. I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing as a mother. Being irresponsible led to my being a mother. It also led to me making the responsible choice of taking care of my son.
That there is where the responsibility rope ends for me. I AM NOT responsible for his father not being present. I am not responsible for his father choosing to not be a parent. When a person tells a woman, “well, you should have known….” you are taking the responsibility away from the man and placing it on the woman. You are telling her, “it is your fault that your child’s father is not around.” I now know that not to be true.
For a long time I beat myself up thinking that it was my fault that my son is growing up without his father. It took me a while to realize that I was blaming myself for something of which I have absolutely no control. Once my son was born all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s became irrelevant. I couldn’t go back and change anything. All I could do was be the best mother possible. And that’s what I’m doing.
We both chose to engage in irresponsible sex and our son is the outcome. However, I am taking responsibility for my actions. I refuse to take responsibility for his inactions, also.